Why are we here? What is the meaning of life? Why do we have those strangely sparse, wiry little hairs growing around our genitals—hair that is singularly different from all the other hair on our bodies? Fortunately, a group of leading-edge scientists have managed to put my mind to rest on at least one of these daunting existential questions. In recent years, it seems, researchers have made some tremendous advances in the study of pubic hair. Pickled quail eggs and peanut butter. Bernie Madoff and sincerity. Plaid and polka dots.

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I wish you the best. And yes, some people are unbelievably stupid about it. They want a man who has navigated the stormy seas of the world, who has just a little bit of history, and has overcome the degenerate worldly culture, a man who has discovered for himself where peace and happiness lie.